Gilbert Beildshmidt vs The World
by AgeAndRicchanOwnYourSouls
Summary: AU. A PruCan version of the comic Scott Pilgrim vs The World. If Gilbert wants to date Matthew, he's going to have to defeat his seven evil exes first. Prussia/Canada, Others/Canada. Parody.
1. Part One:Chapter One

**Hey guys, here's a new story. But it's not so much a story as a parody of the popular comic series, **_**Scott Pilgrim vs the World.**_** Each chapter of this parody-fanfiction will correspond with the chapters in the comics, so if the chapters have different lengths from time-to-time, that's the reason. You'll find out the characters as the story goes on, but we'll put little notes at the end of each chapter for new characters, and at the top of every new chapter to remind you of the cast list. We will try to update weekly, but we're only human. Thanks~**

**WARNING: Plot follows very closely to the original comic series. This means some socially awkward Gilbert, the odd genderbending character, guys liking other guys, and mass Canada-whoring. If any of these things offends you, find a more suitable fanfiction. Thanks.**

**-Age and Ricchan**

* * *

><p><em>Gilbert Beildshmidt VS The World<em>

**Part One: Gilbert Beildshmidt's Precious Little Life**

_Chapter One: Dating a High Schooler_

"Gilbert Beildshmidt is dating a high schooler!"

Arthur Kirkland looked up from his toast to stare sceptically at the albino, green eyes surprised. "Really? Is she hot?"

"How old are you now, albino bastard, like, twenty-eight?" Asked Lovina mockingly in her usual snippy way, munching absently on a tomato while fixing Gilbert with her normal steely glare.

"I'm not playing your unawesome little games, peons." Gilbert said with an air of smugness, flipping half-burned pancakes over in the frying pan. Arthur and Lovina looked at each other, and the Italian girl snorted.

"So, you've been out of high school for like, thirteen years now and—"

"The awesome me is twenty-three! _Twenty-three_!" Gilbert burst out, sticking his tongue out at her childishly. Was everyone out to make him feel old today? Seriously!

It seemed so. Arthur smiled, his voice mocking. "And you're dating a high school girl? Not bad…for you, that is."

"Dating a high—what does that even mean?" Lovina snorted, brushing some brown hair out of her amber eyes with an irritated huff.

Hong looked over at the now-seated Gilbert dully, and, in his usual monotone voice, said, "So… Did you guys, like, _do it_ yet?"

Gilbert cut savagely at his pancakes, almost transfixed by them, and muttered, "We ride the bus 'n' stuff. She goes on about what happened in school, you know, the drama."

"Uhh, okay." Snickered Arthur. "Have you even kissed her?"

Gilbert pouted, hesitant to answer. "…We almost held hands once, but she got self-conscious about her lack of awesomeness compared to me so we didn't."

"Well, aren't you pleased?" Said Lovina, then mumbled, "_You creepy fucking pedophile."_ under her breath with no one the wiser. Sneaky Italians… Gilbert ignored the bitter girl altogether.

"What's her name?" Asked Arthur.

Gilbert smiled smugly. "Mei Mei Yao. She's Taiwanese."

"An Asian school girl, pedo-bastard, seriously?" The amber-eyed girl said in disgust.

"Ah, I see. Where'd you meet her?" Asked Hong in interest.

"The bus." Said Gilbert, and proceeded to explain…

"_Sir, if you do not stop roughhousing and claiming that you'll conquer everyone's vital regions on this vehicle, we will be forced to remove you." _

"_Pshaw, you bitches just can't handle my awesomeness! Kesesese!" Cackled Gilbert, almost falling over as the bus went over a speed bump._

"_Gah! My books!" Cried an Asian girl across from him, and the albino man watched as the books and papers scattered across the space between them. Sighing, he stooped over to help. The girl was pretty cute, after all. Long brown hair and large eyes. A little flirting wouldn't hurt anything, would it? He flashed her his best charming grin and handed her the books. She flushed a delicate pink. "Oh! Th-thank you…"_

_**Gilbert Beildshmidt**_

_**23 years old**_

_**Rating: Awesome**_

"_No problem…"_

"…And that's how it happened."

"Wow, that was… a really shitty story, wanker."

"That's seriously the end? You're one lame son of a bitch."

"Why you gotta be such a bitch, tomato freak? And shut up, Artie." Gilbert huffed, finishing his pancakes. He pushed himself up, put on his coat, and called out a goodbye to the three accompanied by an ever-so-classy middle finger.

* * *

><p>"Before you hear it from someone else: yes, I am dating a high schooler."<p>

The other man looked up from his (tasteful?) porno magazine to his friend. "Is he cute?" He asked with a suggestive eyebrow waggle and suave smile.

**Francis Bonnefoy **

**Gilbert's Roommate**

**25 years old**

**Rating: 69/69**

"Har-har. You're so queer." Said Gilbert mockingly, drifting into the bathroom.

Francis smirked. "Does this mean we have to stop sleeping together?"

"You see any other bed in here?"

"Point taken. You're forever my bitch, mon ami."

* * *

><p>The next day…<p>

Gilbert and Mei Mei paused outside of Arthur's apartment, and he turned to stare at her gravely. "Promise to be good."

"Of-of course I'll be good! Am I usually not good?" Mei Mei said nervously, taking him seriously.

"Seriously, be good." This was _way_ too much fun.

"I'll be good!"

"The bloody hell are you making her say?" Arthur said from the now-open doorway.

"Nothing, Artie. This is Mei Mei Yao. Mei, this is Arthur. He's the talent… Other than the awesome me, of course." Gilbert shifted. "Can we come in now? It's cold as a motherfucker out here."

The Englishman winced at his lack of verbal eloquence, but moved to allow them entrance.

"Wow."

"Yo, Lovina, this is Mei Mei." Gilbert introduced casually, turning to Mei Mei. "Just throw your coat anywhere."

"Hi, sorry, um…?"

Lovina let out a "tch" noise. "Lovina, Lovina Vargas." She said, looking impatient.

"Oh, and you play the drums…?"

Lovina snorted mockingly at the Asian girl, slapping a stick down on the snare for emphasis. "Obviously."

"Awesome." Mei Mei said, obviously picking up a vocabulary from the self-proclaimed King of Awesome himself.

"Oh, hey Mei, this is Young Hong." Said Gilbert in introduction as Hong took a seat beside her.

"Hong Kong." Hong introduced somewhat stoically.

"What do you play?"

"Nothing. I live here."

"…Oh."

There was an awkward stretch of silence.

"Lovina! Count us in!" Ordered Gilbert loudly, breaking the silence.

The Italian sucked in a lungful of air and raised her sticks high in the air. "WE ARE THE LADYKILLERS! ONE TWO THREE FOUR!"

And then it began. Arthur strummed rapid chords on his electric guitar, all but screaming into the microphone the occasional crude lyric in his heavy British accent, Gilbert thrumming low, chaotic chords on the bass, and Lovina in the back beating away at the drums like the angry girl she was. Mei Mei's eyes sparkled in sudden, inexplicable adoration. Leaning forward on the edge of her seat, she sat, unmoving, until the wild song came to an abrupt stop.

"That was way too bloody fast."

"Suck it up, old man." Said Lovina, flipping him the bird.

* * *

><p>"She seems… nice." Said Arthur awkwardly, resting his head against the frosted window glass.<p>

"Yeah?"

"I could go for a high school girlfriend."

"It's awesome. I recommend it."

"You're both idiots." Said Lovina simply, turning to Gilbert. "And you in particular, I can't tell if you're actually so dumbly in love or if you're just an incredible asshole."

"A what now—The awesome me is so _not_! I'm offended, Lovina!"

"Wounded, even?" Arthur smiled wryly.

"Very wounded, Lovina." Said Gilbert with mock-seriousness.

"Yeah, whatever, bastard." She said, chomping on yet another tomato.

* * *

><p><em>Riiinnngggg! Riiinnngg! Riiiinnngg!<em>

Gilbert groaned, slapping his hand down on the alarm clock in an attempt to stop the ringing. Sadly for him, it was not the alarm clock ringing, but the telephone. Searching blindly through complete darkness courtesy of the crappy shades drawn fully in the room, he managed to grab the phone and lift it to his ear, growling an irritated, "What?" from his throat.

"Bruder, did that wake you up? It's already two in the afternoon!" Exclaimed the voice of Gilberts younger sister, Ludwina.

**Ludwina Beildshmidt**

**20 years old**

**Rating: Urgh**

"Urrghhh, nooo… The awesome me has been up for _hours_, duh, Luddy."

"Yeah right." Said Ludwina, unconvinced, then suddenly blurted, "So what's this gossip about you dating a sixteen-year old, Gilbert? What the hell are you thinking?"

"She's _seventeen_! And, wait—how the hell do _you_ know about that, anyway?"

"Francis told me."

"That overly-gossipy queerbag!" Gilbert exclaimed indignantly.

"Yeah, I called your apartment last night, you must've been at practice, and me and Francis ended up talking. At any rate, what do you think you're doing, going out with a high-schooler? Do you _know_ what dad would say? Who is she, anyways?"

"Her name's Mei Mei, Mei Mei Yao."

"An Asian girl?"

"Mhm…"

"Oh Jesus, bruder, have you no morals? A seventeen-year old _high schooler_. Ridiculous!"

"…It's a Catholic school, too." Muttered Gilbert. _Hell, as long as I'm gonna be judged, might as well…_

"…With a uniform and all that?"

"Yes."

"Oh _mein gott_, bruder—"

"Don't judge me, okay? I just need something simple." Gilbert told her defensively, pinching the bridge of his nose as he felt a migraine coming on.

"Bruder, it's been more than a year since your breakup with—"

"_Do not name her she must not be named." _He managed to hiss between gritted teeth before the Evil Name could be spoken.

"Fine." She sighed, thumbing through her blonde hair. "Just tell me something, bruder, are you actually ready to move on, or are you playing with this poor girl?"

Gilbert flopped back into bed, groaning. Why was everyone asking him hard questions like that lately? Slowly, he managed to mumble out, "The awesome me will let you know when I figure it out for myself." And then he hung up.

* * *

><p>"I don't want to be here. At all." Francis whined with a pout, twinkling blue eyes staring over at his roommate in disappointment.<p>

"C'mon, man. It's no big deal. Not like you were doing anything today, anyway." Snorted Gilbert.

The Frenchman rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure, except, you know, getting _laid_ like any other _normal_ human being."

"_Normal _human being? Dude, you're hornier than a cat in heat _all the time_!" Gilbert exclaimed.

"Amour is amour, mon ami. Onhonhon. Anyway, we're almost there, and no offence, I just really don't feel like doing this with you."

"What? You suck!" Then, as a last-ditch effort. "…This school has boys, too?" Francis looked thoughtful. Gilbert leaned against the school gates outside, scanning around for his high school girlfriend.

Mei Mei spotted him first. "Gilbert!" She cried cheerfully, running over. "Hi!~"

"Sup, Mei? Oh, this is my gay roommate, Francis."

Mei Mei smiled, shaking Francis' hand. "Oh, hi! Nice to meet you. Do you want to know who's gay in my class?~"

Francis answered immediately, with a faroff gleam in his eyes. "Yes, does he wear glasses?~"

"Oookay, time for you to go, Francis. Bye, see you later, vamanos." Gilbert said hastily, gesturing to _somewhere the Frenchman should be that was not here_.

"Mon ami, that is cold." Francis said with a theatrical sniffle.

Mei Mei, taking this seriously, hooked arms with Gilbert and gave the French man a sincere smile. "It was nice meeting you. I promise I'll tell you all about the boys next time I see you, Francis."

Francis smiled blithely, taking her free hand and planting a kiss on it. Then, walking off, he called with a chuckle over his shoulder, "You are too good for him, mon petit ange!~ Find someone better!~"

"Haha, your roommate is funny." Giggled Mei Mei innocently.

"Ha ha, yeah… funny…" _Fuck you, Francis._

Thankfully, Mei Mei changed the subject as they walked around for a while, talking about yearbook club, and drama, the usual.

"You know, I've never even kissed a boy before." Confessed MeiMei with a flaming blush, looking down at her feet. Gilbert looked over to her, smirking.

"Yeah? Me neither."

* * *

><p><strong>There we go. There's the first chapter of this derpy parody, folks. The characters introduced this chapter were: <strong>

**Prussia (Scott Pilgrim)**

**England (Stephen Stills)**

**Hong Kong (Young Neil)**

**Taiwan (Knives Chau)**

**Fem!Romano (Kim Pine)**

**Fem!Germany (Stacy Pilgrim)**

**France (Wallace Wells)**

**Hope you enjoyed this retarded rewrite of a story. (We know it's unoriginal, and basically we're just changing characters around from the original Scott Pilgrim series, but fuck it. This is done for shits and giggles.)**


	2. Part One:Chapter Two

_Gilbert Beildshmidt VS The World_

**Part One: Gilbert Beildshmidt's Precious Little Life**

_Chapter Two: Do You Know Him?_

_In all honesty, this was a bit trippy._

_Gilbert sat in a vast wasteland of ice and snow and sky, searching around him for any sign of another person, but there was no one there with him. Everyone was gone._

"_Oh god… I'm alone… Completely…Alone…" Gilbert said in a soft voice, shoulders slumped over. "Everyone's…gone… I'm alone…"_

_A soft scattering of ice and snow into the air suddenly alerted the albino man to someone else's presence. They were far, far away, but someone was there, and they were nearing him fast. A sudden blur of golden hair, tinted goggles and a red sweatshirt zoomed by him, skates gliding smoothly across the ice._

"_Calm down, eh." The person, presumably male, called over his shoulder, readjusting his goggles and increasing his speed. "You're not alone, you're just having a stupid dream."_

_And then, like a flash, he was gone._

"_Oh…" He said slowly. "Can we at least make out, then?_

Ruby red eyes suddenly snapped open from their dreamlike closedness. _What the hell was that all about?_

* * *

><p>"Yo, Francis, you eating that?"<p>

Francis looked at his pale friend with disgust. "Chew with your mouth closed, mon ami. It is disgusting to see that. And non, I am not. Since I am so kind, I will let you have it."

"Sweet—"

"Yoink!" Said the third man at the table, yanking the food from Gilbert and eating it himself.

"Whoa, man! Not cool, so not cool!" Whined Gilbert.

"Life's a bitch, Beildshmidt." The man replied ever-so-eloquently.

"You are _so_ unawesome, much-less-awesome-me." Gilbert grumbled sourly, frowning. "Thanks for the food, Frenchy."

"It is no problem, mon ami." Francis smiled.

"Oh! Dudes, I had this totally weird, awesome dream last night. I was—"

"Can we skip the dream time? I'm really not that interested."

Gilbert flipped him the bird. "Other-less-awesome-me, you are a douche."

* * *

><p>"Okay, I think that should be enough."<p>

"This is really weird…"

"What's weird?" MeiMei tilted her head to the side, long brown hair swaying with the motion, sparkling eyes wondering.

"Libraries always remind me of grade school. So unawesome." Gilbert explained.

"Oh," She smiled, and, with no ill-intent meant, commented, "That must seem like a really long time ago, huh?"

Gilbert groaned. "Yeaahh, let's not talk about this anymore…" The two began to walk down the stairs, towards the checkout. Suddenly, the silver-haired man stopped dead in his tracks.

"Okay, so if you could just sign right there, plea—yes, there. Thank you, eh." Smiled a very familiar figment of Gilbert's imagination.

Tinted goggles pulled to the top of his head. Glasses perched on his nose that kept sliding down. Violet eyes. Slightly wavy blond hair. A signature red Canadian hoodie. Gilbert hadn't been aware that he had been staring until his girlfriend's voice broke him out of his shocked reverie.

"Um, helloooo…?" MeiMei said, waving a small hand in front of his face. His eyes did not leave the figure at the counter. She narrowed her eyes in annoyance. "Do you know that guy or something?"

"No, wait, yes… I don't think so…?" He said uncertainly, legs working on their own to get him to the bottom of the stairs as soon as the goggles-wearing boy left the library in a smooth, fluid motion of his rollerblades.

* * *

><p>"Gilbert… You only played one note for the entire song."<p>

Gilbert's face and expression was blank. "I…uh… yeah…"

Lovina cocked an eyebrow, "Is your _girlfriend _distracting you?"

"I'll be quiet." MeiMei said nervously.

"Alright. Let's do it again." Said Arthur with an exasperated sigh, shooting his bassist a glare. "Lovina! Count us in!"

"WE ARE THE LADYKILLERS! ONE TWO THREE FOUR!"

* * *

><p>"<em>Keep the pace, that was not the case. I never loved you, you were such a spaz. Get over yourself!"<em>

_He slowly looked down into the mosh pit to see a brilliant flash of light reflecting off goggles. This time, he knew what was going on. "I'm dreaming." He declared._

_The boy looked up at him, adjusting his googles. "Good call."_

Once again, his eyes snapped open.

* * *

><p>"I'm cooold! Why is America cold at night? What is this madness?"Complained Gilbert, hugging himself to keep warm.<p>

"Oh, nut up or shut up, you pansy." Hissed Lovina sourly.

"Where are we even going?" Whined Gilbert, slumping his shoulders in defeat as another cold breeze flew directly into his face.

"Bloody wanker! I've already said it at least fifty times." Arthur exclaimed, irritated.

"We're going to that stupid party, bastard." Lovina scoffed.

"You know, Amelia's." Supplied Hong helpfully.

"Aww mannnn! I hate that chick!"

"Suck it up." Arthur and Lovina growled.

* * *

><p>"This party is laaaame." Gilbert drawled. "I'mma go pee due to boredom. Watch my drink. I don't want roofie beer." On his way up the stairs, he spotted a familiar, sleepy face. "Dude."<p>

Heracles yawned and fixed Gilbert with a tired stare, smiling slightly. "Beildshmidt, what's up?"

"Not much. Shitty-ass party, eh? I thought Artie and Jones broke up. Oh hey, dude, you know, like everyone, right?"

"Guess so." He shrugged modestly.

"Okay, this could be vague, but do you know a dude with hair like this?" He made a loop with his finger starting at the top of his head to mid-face.

"Oh, you mean… What's-his-name… You mean Matthew?"

"Uhh, I dunno, maybe?" Gilbert cocked an eyebrow. How was he supposed to know? That was the whole reason he was asking.

"Yeah, man, Matthew Williams, I think. I heard he was comin' tonight. Why, you like him or something?"

"He's here?" Gilbert said, ignoring the latter half of the other man's sentence. "Alright, see ya, 'Cles."

Several dozen faces swam in front of his vision, all mingling people in their early to mid-twenties. Almost everyone was clutching a beer, and those who weren't were racing for another. Pushing through the crowd, he searched intently (but not eagerly, oh hell no, because Gilbert was cool and that was just _lame_.) for this supposed 'Matthew Williams'.

Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear. Gilbert jolted as the boy entered his field of vision, leaning against the wall and clutching a drink like a lifeline, looking around with those wide violet eyes of his.


	3. Part One:Chapter Three

_Gilbert Beildshmidt VS The World_

**Part One: Gilbert Beildshmidt's Precious Little Life**

_Chapter Three: This One Guy…_

* * *

><p>Gilbert did his best to look casual as he sauntered up to him, leaning against the wall beside the blond. "Hey, what's up?"<p>

The guy—or he supposed he should say, Williams—looked at him for a brief second before looking back to the smothering crowd in front of him. "Nothing." He said simply, much more curt than Gilbert would have liked.

_Find a conversation topic, find a conversation topic_… "Um… nice shoes?" _Oh great going, Beildshmidt. Yeah, talk about his shoes, because _that's_ not gay at all. Oh wait, you're seeking out a guy you've never formally met before. Yeah, that's pretty gay._ "No homo." _Yes homo. Probably._

A smile quirked on Matthew's lips as he looked down at the aforementioned footwear, his boots, "Thanks. Got 'em at a hiking store…"

"Oh, nice… I'm sure you… Hike in them, and stuff…" Gilbert paused, _smooth_, he thought, then blurted, "Am I dreaming?"

Matthew stared at him for a long, awkward stretch of time, and then both parties whirled to opposite fields of vision, the silence becoming more strained

"I'll just leave you alone forever now." He said, leaving.

"Thanks." Matthew sipped at his drink, wide-eyed.

_And then he stalked him until he left the party…_

* * *

><p>As soon as the boy was gone, Gilbert lunged at Hong, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Dude! I'm not dreaming!"<p>

"…I'm sorry, what?" Said Hong, freaked out.

"It totally wasn't a beer-induced hallucination or acid trip! He's actually real and stuff!"

The Asian kid backed up a bit. "Um…who?"

"Yo, 'Cles, what do you know about him?"

Heracles stared at him, not really enjoying the nickname, but replied, anyway, in detail, "I heard he's Canadian, but I know he's been in town for a couple of weeks, at least. I dunno if he's visiting or here to stay, though. Maybe you should ask Chelles and Mona. They were talking to Williams earlier."

Gilbert walked over to the two girls. "Hey, do you two know Matthew Williams?"

"Yeah, Jones introduced us to him earlier. Isn't his name so generic, though?" Mona snorted, fiddling with her glasses disinterestedly while eyeing the game of poker going on behind the man.

"I know, it's really so bland. But he seemed nice." Chelles added hastily, smiling as she pushed a ribbon-encased pigtail over her tan shoulder. "Anyway, I think he might have a boyfriend, Gilbert, so I think you're out of luck."

"Oh, for sure. Some guy in Russia, or maybe Canada. I dunno, a cold country." Mona shrugged, then wandered off to the poker table.

* * *

><p>Gilbert turned. "Hey, Jones, you're the one who invited Williams?"<p>

"Sure did." Amelia said, swinging an arm around Arthur with a grin.

"But I thought he lived in Canada, how d'you know him?" He asked sceptically.

Amelia grinned. "He's my brother. Long story. Anyway, I found out he was here 'cause I ordered something from Amazon and he ended up delivering it. Big shocker for me, man."

"Didn't you just say he had a big breakup or something?" Asked Arthur, already way too far gone to stand on his own. He giggled madly after the statement, nuzzling his face into the crook of the American's neck.

"Yes, but I didn't want _Beildshmidt_ to know that, Iggy." Amelia pouted sourly.

Gilbert didn't know why, but something akin to hope flared in his chest. "Did he really?"

Then, to extinguish his hopes, Amelia leaned up into Gilbert's face and sternly said, "Beildshmidt, I forbid you from hitting on my little brother. By association with me, he is way too cool for you and I won't have you scaring him back to the frozen tundra that is his home country."

"Don'worry'bo'it." Mumbled Arthur giddily into Amelia's neck, pitch red from the beer. "Gil'rt's'da'in'a'h'gh'sc'lr'n'w."

How she could understand that, Gilbert would never know. "I don't care if he _is_. He's too cool for you. And also, I don't even know for sure if he did have a big breakup. He's so vague about it, but he keeps mentioning some guy named Br… Bl… Blargarski… Or something like that."

"…I don't know what it is about him, but I—"

"No hitting on my brother! I will cockblock you for the rest of your life!"

* * *

><p>"Guess who's druuunk?~"<p>

"I guess Francis."

"You guessed right!~" Chirped Francis, flopping down on the previously-sleeping Gilbert's stomach.

"Oof!"

"So, how is mon ami tonight?" Francis asked.

"Okay. I'd be better if you'd get off my windpipes. The awesome me needs those for, you know, living and stuff." Gilbert wheezed. "I went to this party with Artie and the others… I was… I saw this one guy, and—"

"Ah, Arthur…~" Francis chuckled. "He is quite cute, non?~"

Gilbert ignored that. "I think I keep having, er, recurring dreams with him in it. Then I saw him at the library, and…"

"Library… Can I just zone out and pretend I'm making l'amour with Angleterre?~"

"Ew, no—So anyway, I'm at this party, and there he is."

"Mmm, Angleterre…~"

"I might sorta… Be homo-ish for this dude…"

"_Angleterre~_ Onhonhon."

Gilbert sat up and looked down at him. "..You are one disgusting little Frenchman."

"Don't judge me. At least in my dreams I'm getting some." He waggled his blond eyebrows suggestively with a mocking smile.

"…Touché."

* * *

><p>"I'm making baaaacon!~" Francis trilled.<p>

"Guhhhh… What about pancakes?" Gilbert said groggily.

"Do it yourself!~"

"Fuck you." He groaned as Francis handed him a plate of bacon. "Hey, so is that bookstore or whatever, right?"

"Oui."

"What's the website for that?"

Francis looked at him like he was stupid (which he was.). "..."

"Cool, thanks." Gilbert said, typing away.

"What exactly are you planning to do? Are you struck with the sudden urge to read, mon ami?" Francis snorted mockingly.

"I have to order something really awesome. By the way, your credit card info is here, right?"

Francis facepalmed.

"_You've got mail_._"_

"The computer claims I have mail."

"Fascinating." Francis said.

"Now I'm reading the mail the computer claims I have."

"Really? How gripping. You should write a book about it."

Gilbert flipped him the bird, then continued reading. "Dear Mr. Beildshmidt, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Im Yong Soo, da~ze~, and I'm a… hmm, this is…"

"What?"

Gilbert gasped, red eyes widening. "…This is…!"

"What?" Francis exclaimed, suddenly anxious and alert.

"…This is boring. Delete!" Gilbert said, and sat by the front door.

* * *

><p>"…Gilbert?"<p>

"Yeah?"

"Are you waiting for the package you just ordered?" Francis asked, sighing.

"Yes. No…Maybe." Ding-dong. "It's here!" He said, getting up and swinging the door open. "Oh… Hey Mei."

"Hi! Attack hug!" She cried cheerfully, tackling him. "We're hanging out today, remember? Hi, Francis!"

"Bonjour, mon ange." Winked Francis, making her blush.

"Remember… Of course! Ahaha… yeah. The awesome me never forgets!" Crap, he forgot.

Why was it that, all of the sudden, all the things he used to be happy to do with MeiMei, like listening to her talk about school and the drama, and go out for pizza, was suddenly becoming more like a chore than something fun. Apparently since Matthew Williams started jumping around in his head, their dates were more like babysitting than anything else.

Damn you, Williams. You magical sorcerer of some sort.

"So your sister goes to university? Where are your parents?"

"Hell if I know. Probably spending a shitload of euros on crappy t-shirts and souvenirs." Gilbert shrugged, staring absently up at the night sky. Couldn't this date just be over now? It was…getting annoying…

Thankfully, the girl he wanted to get rid of herself helped him out with his request. "I can walk back to the bus stop on my own. Your place is in the opposite direction, anyway." She smiled.

"Oh… You sure?" He said hesitantly.

"Yeah." She said, hugging him again.

"Okay, thank—" Gilbert was cut off as MeiMei's pink lips smashed against his own in a brash and rough display of affection. _Oh jeez, what does this child think she's doing? This is strange. This kiss should end soon. Wait—what the fuck? An Asian catholic schoolgirl is trying to make out with you and you want it to stop? What the hell, Gilbert? Get some! No—can't do it. Aww shit I'm gay._ He pushed her away. "Alright great so see you at band practice tomorrow! Bye Mei!"

If The Flash had seen how Gilbert had run that night, he would have been jealous.

* * *

><p>"Did my awesome stuff come yet?" He questioned as soon as he marched through the door.<p>

Francis sighed, pausing his (porn) movie. "Mon ami, as loath as I am to be the one to break this to you, but it's the weekend, and as such, nothing will ship until Monday at the very earliest."

"What? The mail system is _so_ unawesome!"

"And why are you so eager about this, again?" Francis quirked his eyebrow again.

"I'll let you know when I wake up. On _Monday_." Gilbert hissed, flopping onto the futon and pulling the covers over his head, groaning.

* * *

><p>"I got us a show." Arthur announced as he set down his electric guitar, grinning triumphantly.<p>

"OH MY GOSH WHEN?" Mei asked excitedly.

"Oh yeah? Of course you did. They heard about the awesome me and begged and moaned for us to play. Kesese.~" Gilbert smirked.

"At least call it a gig, eyebrow freak." Scowled Lovina, smacking her drumsticks together absentmindedly.

"On Wednesday, at the Rockit." Arthur said, replying to Mei while simultaneously ignoring both his German and Italian band mates. "My mate at work asked me, 'Art'—and I hate the nickname, so don't you dare use it. I'm looking at _you_, Gilbert—He said to me, 'Art, do you know anyone in a band?' and I said, 'Berwald, ol' buddy ol' pal, I _am_ a band.', and so—"

"Cool story bro." Gilbert interrupted sarcastically, "Do shut up."

"Wednesday? Ohh man, I'll have to pull something majorly sneaky to get out of the house…" MeiMei said thoughtfully, looking a bit worried.

"No big deal. 'Sides me, this band kinda sucks." Gilbert snorted.

"Oi, albino bastard, don't say that. She's our biggest fan." Lovina said contemptuously.

Hong ran out of the room.

"Except for you, Hong—Ah, screw it. What a pussy." She scoffed.

MeiMei ignored the sudden outburst, and turned to Arthur, smiling animatedly. "If I can, I'll bring some of my friends to watch you play. They'll just _love_ you guys!~"

"Cool. Just say you have a study group or something along those lines." Arthur advised, looking pleased by her responses.

"So what unworthy band are we gracing with the awesome me's presence?" Asked Gilbert with a pompous laugh.

"Berwald and the Boys."

"Whaaat? The band with Berwald? And the boys? I hate them!"

"Same here." Lovina snorted.

Arthur and Gilbert stared at her, and mockingly smiled, chiming, "But Lovina, you hate everyone."

Lovina flashed them her closest friend, Mr. Middle Finger.

* * *

><p><em>Gilbert looked around, bewildered. It seemed like a mere second ago that he was practicing with the rest of The Ladykillers, and suddenly he was having a really shitty high-school flashback going on in the inside of his head. Taking in the perspiration-scented halls, the lockers with crude things scrawled on them (many of which Gilbert had drawn in sharpies back in the day), and the dented walls and doors, he groaned.<em>

"_Dude," He muttered, "Why aren't my dreams ever cool? Why am I never, like, having an orgy on a dirty public bathroom floor? C'mon!"_

_The door in front of him suddenly slammed open, and out skated Matthew Williams, goggles pulled over his eyes, a package clutched in his left hand._

_A package addressed to none other than Gilbert Beildshmidt._

_He turned a corner._

"_Hey…" Gilbert said slowly, and started running after him. "Wait a second…! Hey."_

* * *

><p>"Hey!" Gilbert exclaimed, this time aloud, as he bolted out of bed and lunged for the door, yanking it open before the chime of the doorbell even sounded. And there in the doorway, Williams stood, package in hand, wide-eyed.<p> 


End file.
